The Addiction of an Eating Disorder and the 12 Step Program-UPDATED

At the Center for Change, art therapy was an integral part of a multifaceted approach to treating eating disorders. This approach helped me to see that different forms of art can often speak my truth better than my own voice. The following clip is a dance from the TV show, So You Think You Can Dance. I watched this dance when it originally aired, and never has a piece of art so perfectly expressed my own feelings about my eating disorder. It was choreographed by Mia Michaels, and I believe she most likely had drug addiction in mind when creating it, but that only goes to show the similarities between different forms of addiction. Something very interesting about this dance is that the 'addiction' is represented by a man. So often eating disorder sufferers will refer to their eating disorder as 'Ed', like the man's name. 'Ed' is the addiction, the voice of the eating disorder who continually lies to, deceives, and traps the eating disorder sufferer. Although I personally have never called my eating disorder 'Ed,' I do still think of it as an entity separate from myself, who I must never stop fighting. This dance so beautifully expresses the continual battle with this entity, and the true power that any addiction has over a person.

As I mentioned in this post, eating disorders have added complexities that other forms of addiction do not have, but today I want to focus solely on the addiction part of the disorder. In so doing, I hope to give a little insight into the 12 step program and what it has done for me. The 12 step program was created more than 70 years ago for the treatment of alcoholism and became an integral part of the group known as Alcoholics Anonymous. The success of the program has made it one of the most popular treatments for alcoholics and other addicts. The 12 steps are usually adapted to coincide with whichever addiction a person is fighting. Here are the 12 steps as they appear for Eating Disorders Anonymous groups:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder - that our lives had become unmanageable. 

 We finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn’t working. 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

 We began to believe that we could get better, that there was a fundamental healing power. 

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 

 We decided to trust that as we let go of rigidity, we would not fall. As we took (and continue to take)  careful risks, our trust grew -- in God, in ourselves, and in others. 

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 

 We looked at why we had gotten stuck, so we would be less likely to get stuck again. We looked at 

our fears and why we were afraid, our lies and why we told them, our shame and guilt and why we 

had them. (This step is the searchlight that reveals the blockages in our connection to God.) 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 

 We “told on ourselves.” This established our authority as responsible people; we began to feel like we belonged to the human race. (This step is the bulldozer that clears the blockages in our connection to God.) 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

 We began to accept ourselves as we really were, and to take responsibility for our actions. We 

realized we couldn’t “fix” ourselves. We had to be patient with effort, not results. We realized the 

results were up to God. 

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 

 We asked God to help us accept our imperfect efforts. We began to focus on what we were doing 

right. As we did so, the “right” things began to increase. 

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 

 We made a list of people whom we had injured or who we thought had injured us, accepted our 

part, and forgave them for their part. Forgiveness brought us peace. 

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

 After prayer and counsel with a sponsor, we went to the people we had injured (and fully forgiven) 

and admitted our fault and regret. Our statements were simple, sincere and without blame. We 

expected nothing in return. Accountability set us free. 

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

 We listened (and continue to listen) to our conscience. When troubled, we get honest, make amends 

and change our thinking or behavior. We continue to notice what we do right, and we talk about 

that, too. 

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 

 We listened (and continue to listen) to our heart. We earnestly seek to understand and do God’s will, 

whatever that may be on any given day. We continue to give ourselves credit for earnest effort, 

however imperfect. 

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 

 Having learned to trust at last, we share our experience strength and hope with others, and work to 

live at peace with ourselves, with God and with life. 

I have to give a caveat here that I am not an expert in anything other than my own feelings and my own story. The 12 steps were one part of my path, and I do not possess the knowledge and expertise that many others do regarding the 12 step program and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything I will talk about is from my own experience with the steps, and may be very different from others' experiences. The 12 step program is non-denominational and has proven beneficial to people of all faiths, even those who identify as Agnostic or Atheist. Through my own religious lens as a member of the LDS church, these 12 steps represent an absolutely inspired and beautiful set of tools for addicts to tap into the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The two biggest overarching principles I have taken from learning and practicing these steps are: Honesty(with oneself, others, and God) and Humility. Read through each step and contemplate the amount of humility and honesty each one requires to complete. 

Steps 1-3

There is a lot of talk about 'rock bottom' in 12 step and other treatments for addiction. Many believe an addict must hit rock bottom before they are able to move forward with step 1. Rock bottom looks different for every person, but the description often used is that a person reaches a point where the pain to continue in the addiction is greater than the pain of overcoming the addiction. It is a very broken and desperate state, in which a person finally realizes their life is completely 'unmanageable' and they are truly unable to break free of their addiction without the help of something greater than themselves. In a sense 'rock bottom' can be a very important part of the process in overcoming an addiction, as well as helping prevent relapse in the future. Hitting rock bottom was an absolutely necessary part of my journey. For me, I hit a crossroads in which I realized that my choices were: A) to continue in my addiction and die (either directly from the bulimia or by my own hand) or B) humbly admit that I desperately needed help. It was literally a matter of life or death for me, and I have no doubt in my mind that I would not be living today if I hadn't made the choice to seek out that help. The experience of hitting such a low point, or 'rock bottom,' has also been beneficial in helping me prevent relapse. Any time I have had a 'lapse' or temporary return to my eating disorder behaviors, I force myself to remember what it was like to be at rock bottom and how I refuse to ever let myself return to that place again. It is rock bottom that allowed me to be humble enough to truly admit that I couldn't 'fix' myself. I needed the Lord. I needed him desperately. The first 3 steps involve coming to the realization that you need God and that he has the power to heal you. It is also about humbly letting go of your own will and aligning yourself with God's will. You let go of all pride and let him take the reigns. 

Steps 4-9

These steps involve complete honesty as well as accountability for your mistakes. They can be the most difficult, yet the most freeing steps in the process. It is painful to admit to yourself, to others, and to God the things you have done that you are most ashamed of. Our natural tendency is to hide these things, and to carry deep shame for them. Secrecy and shame fuel addiction like nothing else can. This is why these steps are so necessary. I remember an experience in the Center for Change's 12 step group when we were discussing Step 4 (make a searching and fearless inventory of yourself). The therapist leading the group gave us a piece of paper and asked us to write down our deepest darkest secret. She then told us to fold the paper and place it on the floor in the middle of the room. She never made it clear whether or not she was going to read them, and went on discussing Step 4 as we all sat there in anxious anticipation. I remember thinking, "I will die if she reads my paper aloud." As the group came to a close she finally told us that she was not going to read them, but we were free to share what we wrote later on if we so desired. At that moment we all frantically grabbed our papers and tore them up. Later that same day, the rest of the women and I talked about how maybe we should write the secrets again and have one of the care techs read them aloud. We gathered in a circle in which we were turned outwardly (as to not see one another's reactions) and held hands, as a care tech began reading the papers. This was one of the most scary and freeing experiences of my entire life. As the care tech began reading, the most amazing thing happened- we realized that we all carried very similar secrets as one another. At the end of the reading we turned around to face each other as all the tension and anxiety left the room. We were all smiling and began talking about how each of us thought we were the only one with such shameful secrets. Our love for one another deepened and the shame we had all carried disappeared almost instantaneously. It was a defining moment in my recovery. Steps 4-9 were essential in helping me let go of shame and move forward from my mistakes. They also taught me how important honesty about EVERYTHING is in overcoming an eating disorder, or any addiction for that matter. It is a process of recognizing & admitting your mistakes, making amends, and then letting go with the help of God. As well as relying on God to make you a better person than you could ever be without him. Through my religious lens this is, in fact, the core of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

Steps 10-12

These steps are often referred to as the 'maintenance steps' and they are the steps that are most prevalent in my life today. To me they involve keeping myself 'in check' on a daily basis, continual honesty about where I am at with my thoughts and actions, continually letting go of shame in my life, fighting to remain humble & close to my Savior, and trying to spread hope to others. I have come to realize that fighting my eating disorder will most likely be a lifelong battle. The moment I think I don't have to fight it or work the steps anymore, is the moment I will relapse. I have come dangerously close to relapse before, and it happened because I began to feel invincible in my recovery. I had also stopped being completely honest with myself and those closest to me. In other words, I forgot the importance of humility and honesty in this process. It was my memory of 'rock bottom' that brought me back to the path of recovery. For I knew that bottom is where I was headed if I didn't change some things. This blog is an extension of Step 12 ( Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs). It is just as much a tool for helping me remain on the path as it is a way to help others in my life. 

I hope my words have shed a little light on what it means to be trapped in an eating disorder, and the complex process involved in overcoming any form of addiction. I also hope it has opened others' minds to the 12 Step program and how it can change lives. Like I said before, this is my story. This is my path and others may have experienced the process differently than I have. My desire is to share the lessons I have learned and hope that they may be beneficial to anyone struggling with an addiction or dealing with a loved one who is an addict. Thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog and encouraging me to continue. It has helped more than you know. I love you all. 

Pregnancy and Unrealistic Beauty Standards

For as long as I can remember I have marveled at the beauty and miracle that is pregnancy and childbirth. I sometimes feel that I am almost obsessed with it, to the point where I question whether maybe my true calling in life was to be a midwife or doula or labor & delivery nurse. Maybe part of it stems from having the opportunity to watch my own niece be born when I was only 16 years old. At the time, I remember a friend asking me, "didn't it gross you out?" That question almost seemed ridiculous to me after having witnessed and experienced what I did. Even as an immature (I assure you that I was very immature) teenager I could not deny the absolute miracle of witnessing a human being, a human soul, enter this world and take her first breath. It was one of the most beautiful and spiritual experiences of my young life, and left me with a sense of excitement for the future when I could experience pregnancy and childbirth for myself. 

I was 3 years into my recovery when I became pregnant with my first child. I had spent the first two years of my marriage trying to prepare myself mentally for pregnancy, because I was not naive to the fact that my body would change drastically and that I had to be okay with that change in order to not relapse while pregnant. I was at a very good place with my body image struggles when I became pregnant, and surprisingly I could not wait to get bigger and look pregnant. I even started wearing maternity pants when I was only 8 weeks along, even though my belly had not grown yet. When my belly did begin to grow, I would stare at myself in the mirror and just smile at my pregnant form. It was beautiful. I truly believed I was more beautiful than I had ever been. There was a baby inside of me, what a miracle! This was womanhood. This was beautiful.  I had always looked at pregnant women as beautiful, and I naively thought that while I was pregnant I wouldn't be subjected to the same pressures to be thin or look a certain way as I did when I wasn't pregnant. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I soon found out that the pressures were just as prevalent, possibly even more so, during pregnancy than they were before. I literally had to be warrior against all of these messages during all 3 of my pregnancies, to ensure that I stayed healthy while carrying my precious babies. This toxic culture threatened to steal the happiness that I had looked forward to for so long. With my blog post today, I want to address some of the pressures all pregnant women are subjected to in this current age... 

The Media    

So, as you probably could guess, I am not a fan of tabloid and fashion magazines. I do not purchase them, but I can't seem to avoid looking at the headlines while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store. A while back, every time I went to the store I saw headlines like this one above about Kim Kardashian's pregnancy. I have also seen similar ones of other pregnant celebrities. Now, I'm not even going to talk about what this type of scrutiny does to the celebrities themselves; who, lest we forget, are actual human beings. Instead, I am going to talk about what these irresponsible stories and headlines do to pregnant women everywhere. When a magazine displays a pregnant photo of a woman and then tears that woman down (almost to the point of making her a villain) the way they did to Kim Kardashian, pregnant women are likely to internalize those messages for themselves. Women that look the same or even heavier than the celebrity being scrutinized will feel that the magazine might as well be saying the same things about them. Women who are smaller than the celebrity may put pressures on themselves to not get any bigger, as to not be subjected to that type of criticism. Although, the topic today is pregnancy, I must note that many girls and women internalize these messages any time a celebrity is scrutinized or glorified for her body (whether she is pregnant or not).

Now, let's talk for a minute about pregnancy magazines. I remember getting some free pregnancy magazines early on in my pregnancy. At first, I was so excited to look through them and read the articles, but I soon found out that I must avoid them like the plague. Women in these magazines are photoshopped just like any other magazine, and the pregnant models do not accurately represent the body types of the majority of pregnant women. Just look at the woman above. I ask you, did you look like that while pregnant? Do the majority of pregnant women in your life look like that? These magazines set a dangerous and unrealistic standard of what a pregnant woman should look like. NEWSFLASH: PREGNANT WOMEN SHOULD HAVE BODY FAT... and that is not a bad thing. IN OTHER NEWS: it is normal to have swelling, acne, uneven skin tones, and stretch marks while pregnant. SIDE NOTE: None of these things take away from the beauty of the pregnant woman. Society has really missed the mark on what actually makes a pregnant woman beautiful. The beauty is in the miracle. Pregnancy is a miracle. You are a woman. You are growing a human being inside of your body. That little human gets everything it needs from you, from your body. That is beautiful. Believe it. Relish it.  

I can't mention the media without talking about the ridiculous standard it sets for post-pregnancy women. So new moms aren't already dealing with enough?.... adjusting to breast feeding, fatigue like they have never known, coping with the largest hormonal shift they have ever experienced, taking care of a new little human that depends on them for EVERY NEED, healing from either a vaginal birth or cesarean section, dealing with little or no time for themselves or their spouse, being stuck in the house most days, possibly dealing with a colicky baby. Since new moms obviously don't already have enough on their plates, let's just add to that the expectation to lose all their pregnancy weight (which took 9 months to put on mind you) and look like a swimsuit model in 8 weeks. No biggie. Imagine me saying all this with the most sarcastic tone you can imagine, because this pressure is ridiculous...RIDICULOUS! Not only is a woman supposed to refrain from heavy exertion for 6 weeks postpartum, but there is a purpose for all the extra body fat a woman puts on during pregnancy. That purpose: breastfeeding... NOURISHMENT for her precious baby. If I had not had extra body fat after giving birth, I have no doubt that I wouldn't have been able to produce enough milk for my babies. I had never experienced such a spike in metabolism and increase in appetite as I did while nursing. I couldn't seem to get enough calories in me to keep up with this incredible milk making machine that was my body. If I had restricted myself in an effort to lose weight, my milk would have either dried up or I would have not been able to produce enough of it to be the sole source of nourishment for my babies. Let's also not forget that a woman who just had a baby has just experienced a complete change in her body. Her skin is stretched out, her uterus is still enlarged, her hips have been expanded...it is in no way realistic to tell a woman she should look like the above picture at 8 weeks postpartum. Let's also not forget that the girl in that picture doesn't truly look like that either. She is photoshopped (all magazine photos are). 

Pregnancy Weight Charts

I am completely against weight charts in general, but especially for pregnant women. First of all, every woman is different and every pregnancy is different. To try and put all women into one mold and call that healthy is just, well, WRONG. To put this pressure on women, in the name of health, often leads to unhealthy consequences. Women may diet, or restrict, or develop the eating disorder informally referred to as 'pregorexia' in an effort to stay within these ranges. Please refer to some of my previous posts about the effects of dieting. Now add to those effects the demands on a woman's body while growing a baby inside of her. No other time in her life is it more important to be fully nourished. So why don't we shift the focus from a pregnant woman's weight and onto her health? Why don't doctors educate women more on nutrition (not dieting) and exercise as a means to have a healthy pregnancy, rather than telling her "as long as you are in these ranges you are healthy"? I will go into more detail as to why I disagree with the notion that you can determine a person's health by their weight in future posts. Just know that I believe this mentality is counterintuitive for everyone, whether they are considered to be at a 'healthy weight' or not. I WILL tell you that I gained more weight than the recommended weight charts with all 3 of my pregnancies. This was not because I, all of the sudden, changed my whole lifestyle when I got pregnant. It is because that is what my body NATURALLY did. I ate intuitively, I exercised, I took care of myself, and I did not stay within the ranges that are recommended. If I had given into the notion that my pregnancy wasn't healthy because my weight was above what the charts told me it should be, I would have made unhealthy choices, which would have put me and my babies in danger. One side note: I do still believe weighing a pregnant woman is important, because a sudden spike in weight can indicate major swelling due to pre-eclampsia or other pregnancy complications. 

Cultural Pressures

We have become a culture that almost idolizes women who gain very little weight while pregnant, just the same as we idolize thin, non-pregnant women. There are women who naturally just don't gain a lot of weight while pregnant, but they are not the majority. There are also women who unnaturally put on very little weight while pregnant and we, as a culture, encourage it. How many times have you heard someone praise a pregnant woman for being so 'tiny' or being 'all belly'...like that is so much better than a full figured pregnant woman? Also, how many times have you heard snide or judgmental comments about pregnant women who put on a lot of weight? I'm not talking about the media like with Kim Kardashian. I'm talking about friends and neighbors and family members. Sometimes these comments are behind the person's back, but they can also be said directly to the pregnant woman. I know I had my fair share of insensitive comments while I was pregnant. Side note: I would think twice before making any kind of snide remark about a pregnant woman's weight in my presence, you might just get an earful. That's right all you pregnant ladies-Alicia has your back.

Pregnant women are already dealing with so many things, can we just stop with the comparisons of one pregnant woman to another? Can we stop putting one pregnant body type on a pedestal and saying that it is the only way to be beautiful while carrying a child? Can we look deep inside and see what it is that actually makes pregnant women beautiful, ALL pregnant women? We need to change as a culture, in more ways than one, but definitely in regards to the pressure we put on pregnant women. This should be a time in a woman's life that she can celebrate her feminine curves and soak in the miracle that is occurring inside of her divinely created body, without judgement from others. Let's stop getting in the way of this beautiful, miraculous event and embrace the beauty of it fully and completely.

Perfectionism: An Eating Disorder's Bestfriend

A few days ago I listened to this Ted Talk by Brene Brown (It is awesome, I would definitely recommend watching it). She starts off by talking about the "vulnerability hangover" she experienced after her last time doing a Ted talk ( Her original Ted talk was amazing too. Here is that one) and telling the audience about a breakdown she had once gone through. Listening to this brought me to an 'aha!' moment. I realized that this is exactly what I have been experiencing the last few weeks...a vulnerability hangover. You see, I've been avoiding my blog lately and every time I have thought about writing another post, I get major anxiety. In 2 months time, I have shared some of the most private and intimate and dark parts of my soul on a public blog, a PUBLIC BLOG! I've shared things that even some of my closest friends didn't know. It has been both wonderful and terrifying. I have had moments of feeling so free, and other moments of wanting to pull the blankets over my head and never show myself to the world again. Being vulnerable and opening up to others has always been a struggle for me, and maybe sharing so much in such a short time was 'too much too soon.' I don't know. I do know that I want to continue my blog. I do know that I don't want to forget why I started this blog in the first place    to share my life lessons with my own children. My hope is that putting myself out there in this way has helped others in some small way. If so, then all the anxiety and discomfort of being so vulnerable is worth it. The ironic thing about my post today, is that it is about 'perfectionism.' I have known that I was going to write about this topic since I first started the blog, but part of the avoidance in writing the last couple weeks is that I wanted to write this post perfectly. I have been grateful for all the positive responses I have received in regards to my blog and my writing, but I have realized that my perfectionist mind has led me to believe that every post I write must garner the same response. That I must live up to the compliments people have given me. I recognize the fallacy in this, and that is why I forced myself to sit down today and just start writing. So, now after that rambling introduction, I present you with my imperfect post on perfectionism:

When I left college to go to treatment, and word began to spread that I had an eating disorder, many people in my life were shocked. I can't tell you how many times people  told me that I was the last person in the world they would think to have an eating disorder. They would say, "but you're so confident." After all, I was the girl that had it all together. I was the straight 'A' student, the athlete, the goofy girl who wore silly outfits, the 'perfect' mormon teenager. I didn't swear, drink, or do drugs. My room was obsessively organized. I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend. I'm not telling you this to brag, there is nothing to brag about here. This drive to do good in my life did not come from a healthy place. It came from a very sick place, from a place of deep self-hatred. What I presented to the world was not real. While people thought I was the 'perfect' teenager, I was behind closed doors purging 15 times a day and cutting myself with razor blades. I wore a perfectly crafted 'mask' that I felt I could never, ever take off. If people saw what was behind that mask, the jig would be up. They would see the 'horrible' person I thought I was.

I did recognize that people around me weren't perfect and that they didn't need to be for love and acceptance. For some reason, I believed the same rules didn't apply to me. In my mind there was something inherently wrong and bad about me. My obsessive drive to be perfect came from the false belief that I had to 'make up' for being so bad and so wrong. This disease of perfectionism entangled itself to every area of my life, nearly suffocating me to death. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I graduated high school with a 3.97 GPA, and I was ashamed of that because it wasn't a perfect 4.0. With the same token, I could look at others with much lower GPA's and think how accomplished, intelligent, and wonderful they were. I believe the difference between a healthy drive to succeed and perfectionism lies in the motivation. My motivation was in seeking the self worth, the acceptance, and the love that I felt I was not worthy of. It can be a dangerous thing to tie your self worth to your accomplishments. To change the way I had viewed myself for so long required a massive paradigm shift. This post describes the beginnings of that shift.

Once I realized my Heavenly Father and my Savior accepted and loved me just the way I was, it opened my eyes to the fact that others might do the same. Much of my treatment was focused on getting to a place of self acceptance and self love. The women I lived with for 2 months helped me to see that I could take off my mask and be vulnerable and share my weaknesses and still be loved. Not just be loved, but experience human connection like I never had before. When you wear a mask you can't ever truly connect with the people around you. When I took off that mask I also realized that my weaknesses were their weaknesses. None of them were perfect, and it was actually all their imperfections, their humanness, that made me love them so much. The joy of realizing that I didn't have to meet some criteria to be worthy of love from God and love from others is indescribable. It was as if I had broken free from heavy chains that had tied me down for so long. I was still a very driven person, but now my drive came from knowing that I was worth all of the success, happiness, and accomplishments this world had to offer.

My desire to follow the Savior no longer came from fearing his judgement, or because I needed to earn his love. I knew that his love was always there for me no matter what. Instead, I began to follow him because I loved him. I finally realized that I was okay exactly as I was. Let me say that again...I was okay exactly as I was. These are simple truths that I have to remind myself of on a regular basis. My perfectionist mind always finds a way to creep back up on me, immediately causing unhappiness in my life. It has been that perfectionist mind that has brought about anxiety concerning this blog. The thoughts arise that this blog isn't good enough, I'm not helping enough, I'm not posting enough, my grammar isn't perfect enough, etc, etc, etc. The results of this type of thinking always lead to giving up. A major component of perfectionist thinking is this idea that everything is all or nothing, black or white. You can never live up to expectations so why even try? Perfectionism is extremely defeating and we live in a culture that spreads it like wildfire.

Now, does letting go of perfectionist ideas mean to stop setting goals and stop trying to better ourselves? No, of course not. Joy can be found in putting ourselves out there and pushing ourselves beyond what we thought we could be. The change is in the motivation. The paradigm shift I experienced was a change from this mindset:  "I have to do better because I am not good enough," to this mindset, "I can do better because I am good enough." Sometimes changing our thinking is as simple as taking out all the 'shoulds' and 'have tos' and replacing them with 'cans' and 'want tos.' I have also worked very hard at letting go of my extreme fear of failure. The truth is, when I look back at my life, it is my failures that have taught me the most about myself, about others, and about my Savior. One of the books I read in the Center for Change was called, Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. The title of the book became quite the catch phrase in treatment, and I probably heard it at least daily. It is something I still tell myself today. This phrase actually played a big part in helping me gather up the courage to start this blog. I will use it again to allow myself to publish this imperfect post about perfectionism. A post that I haven't obsessively proof-read a million times. A post that shows how imperfect I really am. A post that leaves me open and vulnerable to the judgement of others. A post that may or may not resonate with others. Yep, feel the fear and push publish anyway...

Food Deprivation-Why It Doesn't Work

Today I wanted to talk a little about the 2nd principle of Intuitive Eating. In their book, Tribole and Resch call this principle 'Honor Your Hunger.' The basic idea of this principle is to keep your body adequately fed and to learn to recognize the first signs of hunger (before that hunger becomes excessive). I remember the first time I read this chapter of the book while in inpatient treatment. The part that stuck out to me the very most was the description of a starvation study conducted during World War II. I completely related to everything described and it was a very enlightening experience. I came to a total realization and understanding of the biological and psychological consequences of trying to starve myself for all the years of my eating disorder. 

World War II Starvation Study

The study was conducted by Dr. Ancel Keys, for the purpose of helping famine sufferers. There were 32 participants who were all men. These men were chosen because of their "superior mental and physical health." The men were studied for the first three months while they practiced their normal eating habits. During the next 6 months of the study, their calories were cut down to an average of 1570 calories per day and they were required to lose 19-28% of their weight (Resch, Tribole 2012). Here are some of the shocking side effects these men experienced:

• Metabolic rate decreased by 40%
• They became obsessed with food (heightened cravings, talking about food, collecting recipes)
• Eating styles changed (at times the men gulped down their food very quickly and other times they would draw out meal time for hours)
• Several men couldn't adhere to their diets and reported episodes of bulimia
• Some men flagrantly broke diet rules. One man ate several sundaes & malted milks, and even stole penny candy. Another 'lost control' and ate several cookies, a bag of popcorn, and 2 bananas.
• Some men exercised for the sole purpose of getting more food rations
• Personalities changed (apathy, irritability, moodiness, and depression)

(Resch, Tribole 2012)

The Refeeding Period: After the 6 month starvation part of the study, the men were allowed to eat how they pleased. I found this to be one of the most interesting and telling parts of the study. It took the men an average of 5 months before being able to normalize their eating to what it was before the study. During that time their "hunger was insatiable." They had weekend binges where they would consume between 8,000 and 10,000 calories. This type of behavior had never been observed in any of these men prior to the study. Remember, they were chosen because of their "superior mental and physical health" (Resch, Tribole 2012).

Another thing that was so shocking to me about this particular study was the fact that these men were eating an average of 1570 calories during the starvation portion (Resch, Tribole 2012). Now, granted I am a woman and women usually need less calories than men. Still, the fact that this number seemed so high for a 'starvation study' and the men experienced such severe side effects was shocking to me. Many of the diets people participate in these days contain significantly less calories than this. In my eating disorder there were times that I would go days with absolutely NO CALORIES. When I did allow calories, the intake was so low it could never have sustained me and I only allowed calories from "good" foods. Then I would wonder why after doing 'so well' on this type of restriction (for a certain amount of time) I would ALWAYS end up uncontrollably bingeing and purging. I truly thought I had some character flaw that caused me to binge. I never stopped to consider that what I was experiencing was the result of me trying to override one of my most primal and necessary drives as a human being. It cannot be overridden. You may be able to temporarily suppress it, but you will suffer the backlash and consequences of doing so. Our bodies were divinely designed by a master creator. We all have several mechanisms that drive us to seek out the necessary calories and energy we need to survive and thrive. Our creator also put in place mechanisms to help us survive periods of famine. The body cannot distinguish between a person that is truly living through an actual famine and a person that is experiencing a self-imposed famine through dieting. The same biological responses happen in both cases: decreases in metabolic rate and increases in the brain chemicals that drive hunger, specifically Neuropeptide Y-the 'carbohydrate craver' (Resch, Tribole 2012). Now, I want you to stop and think about this for a minute. Think about a time when you went hungry. This could be a time that you dramatically cut back on calories or carbohydrates for a diet, or it could be a time where you just couldn't eat for some other reason (ie fasting before surgery or a procedure, being away from food for an extended period of time, etc). Did you obsess about food during this time? How did your body react when you came off your diet or when you could eat normally again? How intense were your cravings for carbohydrates? Did you eat more than usual?....Failing at a restrictive diet has NOTHING to do with willpower, and EVERYTHING to do with our primal and biological drive to eat. PERIOD.

Let's go back just a little bit to the 'refeeding period' of the starvation study. The fact that it took these men 5 months (on average) to normalize their eating shows that there are not just biological consequences to dieting and starvation, but psychological ones as well. Resch and Tribole state that "the psychological terror of hunger is profound." This 'terror' can have lasting effects on a person's psyche. In the book it mentions that orphans adopted from poor countries will often obsessively smuggle and hide food. There are also a large number of survivors of Nazi concentration camps who are now obese. Hunger from dieting may not be as 'terrifying' as being starved for reasons out of your control, but the psychological results are very similar. Chronic dieters often binge in-between diets, as they fear they will not be able to eat certain foods or certain amounts of food again (Resch, Tribole 2012). In recovery, I went through my own 'refeeding period.' As I have mentioned before, I struggled a lot with binge eating early on. Even after being in recovery for several months, and having my body biologically fed, I still suffered the psychological effects of starvation and dieting. I was still obsessed with food, and still felt the need to eat as though it may be my last meal. Getting through this part of my journey will be discussed in later posts as I explain the other principles of  Intuitive Eating.

What 'honoring your hunger' looks like in my life...
The principle of honoring your hunger has become etched into my very being. After working so hard to get through the biological and psychological consequences of my eating disorder, I never EVER want to go through those things again. This principle goes right along with rejecting diet mentality for me. Now that I have experienced what it feels like to not be controlled by food, I would never want to compromise that for a diet or a return to my eating disorder. I've become very in-tune with my hunger signals and what my body is craving. Some days I am more hungry so I eat more. Other days I am less hungry so I eat less. It's as simple as that. I try to never let myself get ravenously hungry, and I always allow myself to eat until I am satisfied. I've learned to trust my body. I trust that it knows what and how much it needs. This does not mean that I am perfect at this principle, or any of the principles of Intuitive Eating for that matter. That's the beauty of this process, it doesn't have strict rules to follow. It is meant to be a learning process. One thing that I do have to be extra careful with in applying this specific principle, is to not use a temporary loss of appetite as an excuse to restrict. There have been times in recovery where I have completely lost my appetite. It usually happens when I go through periods of deep stress. It can be easy to slip into a mind set of justifying restricting myself since I don't feel hungry during these times. I've learned that I must use a second person (my husband) to keep me in check, and make sure that I am getting enough food and nutrients until my appetite returns.

In Conclusion...
If you have ever felt like a failure because you couldn't stay on a diet, I want you to think about the men in the study I discussed above. Think about what dieting did to them. Think about the biological mechanisms that you tried to override while dieting. Think about the other 95% of dieters who 'failed' too. See that your own 'failure' with diets has nothing to do with your character or willpower. See that you are not a failure, but a human being created by an all-knowing Father and that is definitely a good thing.

Sources

Resch, E. & Tribole, E. 2012. Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works. St. Martins Press: New York, NY. 

The Cunning Design of Advertisements

As Americans we are bombarded with advertisements constantly. In modern day society there really is no escaping it. Estimates range greatly in how many ads a person is exposed to daily, with the lower end being 250 and the higher end 3,000 (El-Hady 2013). Regardless of which estimates are more accurate, there really is no denying that the marketing industry has great influence and power in our country. So, what is the end goal of all this advertising? To put it plainly, it is to sell us a product or service and make a profit. This, in and of itself, is not wrong. But, the tactics some marketers use to reach this goal are less than ethical. One common and powerful tactic used is the process of creating insecurities in consumers. The ads are purposefully designed to make you feel bad about yourself or your life. Simply put, marketers create a problem for you, then offer their product or service as the solution to that problem. They do this in many different ways, depending on their target audience. Let's take a look at some of the ways these types of ads target women...

Above, I have posted a magazine ad featuring the very famous Drew Barrymore, with promises that if you buy this particular smoky eye shadow and liner you will be 'smokin' just like her. Look closely at the ad... do you see a single line on her face? Any uneven skin tones? Any zits, moles, freckles? What about her body size? Does that look like Drew Barrymore's natural size? Does her skin really glow like that? How does this picture make you feel about your own skin, your own body, your own face? Are you feeling insecure yet? 

There was a study, conducted in 1995, that showed that 70% of women felt depressed, guilty, and shameful after only 3 minutes of looking through a fashion magazine (Bradley University 2013). How do you feel when you flip through magazines or see certain ads pop-up on your Facebook feed? If they make you feel bad about yourself, I will tell you that it is not by accident. Advertisements targeting women almost always contain models with body types that only 5% of the population possess. Many times the models themselves do not possess that body type either, but are photoshopped to look as though they do. Aside from body types, the models are digitally changed from head to toe until they resemble something that is no longer human, but plastic. We are then told that this is what makes a woman beautiful, this is what will make YOU happy. That's what all marketers are selling really...happiness. If women were happy with their body type, their wrinkles, their natural appearance, and their life    how would they get us to buy products that 'fix' those things? We may not be able to change the advertising industry, but we can choose to look at these ads more critically and see them for what they really are. Start recognizing how certain ads make you feel, then pick those ads apart. Open your eyes to the fact that the women portrayed are not real women. Don't buy into the lie that these fake, digitally enhanced women are beautiful. See that YOU are beautiful. See that ALL women are beautiful.

I wanted to end my post with another photo of Drew Barrymore. Notice the drastic difference between this natural photo and the advertisement photo above. I'm not posting this photo to say, "hey, look Drew Barrymore is really ugly without makeup and digital enhancements." Just the opposite, actually. Drew Barrymore is a beautiful woman and this picture shows it. She is beautiful with her blemishes, and her wrinkles, and her body fat. She is beautiful without layers of makeup and digital alterations...and so are YOU.

Sources

El-Haidy, Z. 2013. The Dogma of Advertising and Consumerism. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ziad-elhady/the-dogma-of-advertising-_b_2540390.html

Bradley University. 2013. The Body Project. Retrieved from: http://www.bradley.edu/sites/bodyproject/

Painful Regrets and Moving Forward

I'm switching gears just a little bit today on my blog. The following post is more for me than anyone else. I hadn't even considered writing about this part of my life until just a few days ago. There has been an ever-present, nagging feeling since the thought came to me. My hope is that writing this out for others to see, will bring healing in my own life.

I've spent the greater part of the last year running and hiding. I thought that if I could just keep myself busy enough, maybe I would never have to truly face what was chasing me. The thing about running is that you eventually tire out, and when you do you must turn around and face what is behind you. In July of 2012 my family experienced an enormous and life altering tragedy. Our dear Brittany left us way before her time, and in very tragic circumstances. When talking about loved ones, I often hear sentiments like this, "tell the people in your life you love them, because it may be your last chance." I'm not going to say that this quote isn't good advice...it is. But, over the course of this past year, quotes like this one have haunted me. You see, I was very angry with Brittany in the weeks leading up to her death. I can't count how many times I have replayed in my mind the last time I saw her, which was exactly one week before she passed. Every time I do, my thoughts turn to a never ending series of what if's:

What if I had just talked to her, instead of avoiding her in my anger?

What if I had put my arms around her and expressed my love for her?

What if I had placed my hands upon her cheeks, looked into those sky blue eyes and said, "Brittany there is hope, there is always hope and you are worth it"?

What if I had told her that I knew she was strong enough?

What if I had told her that she would always be my sister, no matter what?

What if? What if? What if?

The what if's are enough to make a person lose their mind. When I found out she was gone, the anger dissolved instantly and was replaced with pain, helplessness, and overwhelming guilt. I suspected that maybe the anger would return as I went through the grieving process, but it never did. Maybe it was because I knew, to a certain extent, where Brittany's thoughts were before she died. There is no way for me to know all that she had been thinking, but I have been in a place of complete and utter hopelessness more than once in my life. I know the irrational thinking that takes place in that dark space. I know with 100% certainty that Brittany was not in her right mind. There is no anger in me, only HEAVY guilt that I have carried for far too long. That is the purpose of this post today... I know that I can carry it no longer, lest my knees buckle and my back break. Today, I commit to handing it over to him, he who can carry it. For, his "yoke is easy and his burden light." I know he wants me to let go. I know Brittany would not want me to carry on the way I have been. It is time to move forward. I know it is time. I choose now to honor Brittany's life, instead of feel guilt over her death. I will spend the rest of my life loving her precious boys, and remembering Brittany for who she is, not how she died.

Now, back to the quote I mentioned earlier about last chances. The truth is, I know that the last time I saw Brittany on this Earth was not my last chance. Death can feel so final, but it is not. I know Brittany lives on, and I know that she has heard me the many times I have cried out to her. I know that I WILL have my chance to give her that hug and look into those sky blue eyes again. It is NEVER too late to make things right. And, although it is a noble goal to strive to ALWAYS show your love to the people you care about, it is also important to realize that we are only human, and in so being, are susceptible to human emotions like anger. I thank you Brittany for all you have taught me. I love you always- you sassy, beautiful girl.

Let's Talk About Fat

"Let's Talk About Fat" Part 1 (originally posted September 9th, 2013)

During my inpatient treatment at the Center For Change, if anybody said something along the lines of "I feel fat," It was always followed by other patients, care techs, or therapists reminding the person that "fat is not a feeling." It would force us to stop and think about what was actually going on with our emotions, instead of taking those emotions out on our bodies. That's really what is happening in most people with eating disorders or body image problems. Instead of coping with difficult emotions such as: sadness, loneliness, fear, anger, etc; a person attacks their own body. There becomes a false belief that if they could just make their body perfect enough, then the bad feelings would go away. It has been so eye opening for me to come to the understanding that 'feeling fat' actually has nothing to do with my body, but with my emotions. There have been many times in my recovery, when I wake up in the morning feeling good about my body and am totally fine with what I see in the mirror, but then something might happen. Maybe I have something very stressful come up in the day, or maybe I get my feelings hurt by someone, or maybe I just start feeling lonely. No matter what it is, the same thing will always happen. My pants will instantly feel tighter. I will look in the mirror and see flaws that I didn't see just hours earlier. I will find myself believing that I have gained 15 or 20 pounds within less than a day's time and I will literally see a heavier person in the mirror. After 12 years of recovery, I have become very aware of these distorted thoughts. The distortions still happen on a pretty regular basis in my life, but they no longer have so much power over me. Instead of letting myself give into and believe the distortions, I am able to reflect upon what is really going on with me that day. From that point, I can choose to cope with my emotions in a healthy and effective way. Now I ask you, my readers, to think about this concept when you find yourself  'feeling fat' or 'feeling ugly.' I encourage you to tell yourself that 'fat and ugly are not feelings.' Start paying attention when you have these 'feelings' and ask yourself, "what am I really feeling?"

So if fat is NOT a feeling, what is it?

I want to take a minute and talk about the word, 'fat,' as it is used in modern day, American culture. It is a word that is feared and carries many negative connotations with it. Fat actually has three different uses in the English language. I want to talk about all 3:

1. Fat is used to describe a nutrient found in many of the foods we eat. The diet industry has propagated a deep fear of this essential nutrient. With all the fat-free foods and diets on the market today, many people have come to believe that all fat is bad. This is not true! There are so many GOOD fats that our body needs. Did you know that when it was discovered  that our body actually needed fat, it was called Vitamin F? Fat, as it is called now, is essential for the absorption of fat soluble nutrients like Vitamin A and Vitamin E. Certain fats, like omega-3, also help our brain function better (Resch, Tribole 2012). Would we be so afraid to eat foods with fat in them, especially quality fats, if we started seeing fat as a nutrient instead of something so horrible?  
2. Fat is used to describe adipose tissue in our bodies. We NEED adipose tissue, or fat, in our bodies. Not only does fat store energy in the body, but it serves as a cushion and protection to our internal organs (Science Daily 2013). Another major purpose for adipose tissue is its insulation properties. It provides our bodies with protection from both the heat and the cold (Science Daily 2013). Without fat on our bodies, we would be unable to regulate our body temperature. If you started viewing FAT as something that protects you & helps you, would that change your outlook on the fat in your own body? Could you actually find yourself being grateful for that fat?
3. Fat is used, in modern day culture, as an adjective. This word has become a word with many negative connotations in our society. It is no longer just used to describe someone; instead it is used to label and demean others or ourselves. It seems to be perfectly socially acceptable to poke fun at someone that is of a bigger body size. People with bigger body sizes have judgements being made about them on a regular basis. It is often just assumed that they are just lazy, gluttonous, unhealthy, and unable to practice self-control. These misconceptions are unfair, and lead to bullying and pain and do not encourage anyone to take care of their bodies or see their bodies as a gift. It often leads people down the other road. Why would you want to take care of something you hate? It is also a contributing factor to eating disorders, and puts fear in our children. This is part of the 'why' behind some of the statistics I mentioned in previous posts. 
   
   
   
   
   If we could see 'fat' for what it really is and not what the media has taught us about it, could we stop the fear and negative connotations surrounding this simple word? Could we nurture a more healthy relationship with our own bodies that is not dependent on how much fat we have or don't have? Could we be able to focus more on health & self care, instead of appearance? Could we re-learn that our value as a human being and a child of a loving God does not change with a number on a scale? Could we discover that our worth is not found in numbers? 

Sources

Resch, E. & Tribole, E. 2012. Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works. St. Martin's Press: New York, NY. 

Science Daily. 2013. Adipose Tissue. Retrieved on September 9, 2013 from: http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/a/adipose_tissue.htm

My Exercise Autobiography

Exercise in My Childhood

I was like most most young kids...active and adventurous. My grandpa lived next door and I spent much of my youth running around his farm and playing games in the fields. I loved riding my bike, swimming in the pond near my home, and playing night games with the neighborhood kids. I also took dance lessons and played little league softball. Never once did I associate any of these activities with changing my body.  I was active for no other reason than it was fun and it made me feel good. I had no idea what calories were or that being active could burn them. 

         

Exercise in My Early Adolescence
Two very significant things happened the year I turned 12: my parents bought me my first trampoline, and I started power tumbling lessons. A new passion had been unleashed and I was obsessed. Actually, obsessed is probably not even a strong enough word to describe it. POSSESSED might be more fitting. It was not uncommon for me to come right home from school and jump on the trampoline until bed time, only stopping to eat dinner or grab a drink. In the winters I would go out in my snowsuit and shovel 2 to 3 feet of snow off of the trampoline just so I could practice my tricks. Rain, snow, freezing temperatures, blistering heat...none of it stopped me. I was power tumbling twice a week and participating in competitions on the weekends. It was as if this athlete inside of me had fully emerged, and I felt empowered. Again, none of this ever correlated itself with trying to change my body, lose weight, or burn calories. Nope, I only did this because I truly loved it. It was exhilarating every time I learned a new skill or made improvements on an existing skill. I remember talking to a friend about heaven. My vision of heaven had been miles and miles of trampolines that I could do never ending flips and aerials on. Looking back, it's evident that this is about the same time the first signs of  my clinical depression began to emerge. I didn't know what clinical depression was at the time, nor did I know I was suffering from it. I only knew that I was hurting and that power tumbling made me feel better. I had no knowledge of endorphins and their relationship to exercise, but nonetheless, I was subconsciously medicating myself with this powerful and natural anti-depressant. 

Exercise in My Eating Disorder
I was 14 when my eating disorder developed and it completely changed my relationship with exercise. power tumbling became a way to burn off calories, and with this change in motivation came an eventual loss of passion. Soon, I dropped off my power tumbling team, and jumping on the trampoline became more of a chore than something I loved doing. My body also recognized that physical activity didn't feel as good anymore. I wasn't properly nourished to do such rigorous activities like power tumbling. I became lightheaded and dizzy, instead of energized like I had in the past. For whatever reason, my love of dance seemed to stay intact throughout high school, and I became a member of the drill team. This was actually a pretty positive thing for me. I felt more motivated to quit my eating disorder behaviors, because I was part of a team and I knew others were counting on me. All throughout high school I was on a roller coaster. Some times I was very motivated to get better, and other times I just wanted to give up. My weight reflected this roller coaster and it fluctuated A LOT. As the eating disorder progressed, exercise became a way to torture my body. Many times I would stay up all night and just do exercise videos over and over until morning (this was so I could hide my obsession from my family). I secretly exercised in my room for hours at a time. There was nothing fun about exercise anymore. It got even worse as I went off to college. I couldn't do the simplest physical activity without passing out and scaring my friends to death. One night, after I had been out exercising, I ended up passing out outside of my apartment complex and then was taken to the Emergency Room for severe electrolyte imbalances. This was the turning point for me. I had hit rock bottom, and knew that my body couldn't take much more abuse. It was either death or treatment. I chose treatment.

Exercise in Early Recovery 

Intuitive exercise (which I will discuss in more detail in future posts) is one of the principles of Intuitive Eating, so learning to develop a healthy relationship with exercise was part of my treatment at the Center For Change. We weren't allowed to exercise until we reached a certain phase, and even then we could only do it at certain times or during certain groups. In treatment, I started to make some healthy connections with exercise, but I still had a very long way to go. After leaving the Center For Change, It seemed that any time I did try to incorporate exercise into my life, eating disorder thoughts would overwhelm me. It was far too triggering early on, and so I had to tread very slowly. My recovery mattered more to me than anything else, so exercise was put on the back burner until I felt I had recovered enough for it to be something positive in my life.

Snowboarding and My Recovery

 In early recovery, I had longed for physical activity and physical fitness. I so desperately missed that part of myself. I didn't know how to reconnect to the healthy love of exercise that I once had. About 7 or 8 months after leaving treatment, Josh (my boyfriend, who is now my husband) & I bought season passes to the Canyons Ski Resort. Before treatment, he had taken me back country snowboarding a couple of times, but my sick body could not withstand the rigor of the sport and I often ended up passing out. This decision, to give the sport another try, was the beginning of  me reclaiming the athlete that had always been a part of me. Once again a passion was born. I found it easy to push eating disorder thoughts out of my mind, as I focused on learning a new skill. The first day on the slopes I met, who is to this day, one of my very best friends. It was her first day too and we learned together, laughing at each other along the way. All season long we went at least weekly, and sometimes several times a week. That familiar exhilaration of learning a new, physical skill returned and I was hooked. Most days we would go for 7 or 8 hours, with little down time. Often, my muscles would be so sore the next day that I could barely walk. To me, this feeling was WONDERFUL. It meant my body was becoming stronger, it was recovering. I was reclaiming something that my eating disorder had taken from me. The athlete, that had been buried deep down inside, was once again emerging and so many positive connections were being made. I had some of my very best friends, as well as the love of my life, by my side. It was so very different than the exercise I had experienced in the dark days of my eating disorder. My fitness levels improved so much and it felt AMAZING. By the end of the season, it all felt so easy. I wasn't out of breath, or too sore, or too tired after a full day of snowboarding. This new awakening led to discovering and rediscovering other passions as well. I started jumping on the trampoline again, and power tumbling in my back yard. My life started filling up with things like: hiking, swimming at the lake, and wake boarding. My winters from that point on were ALWAYS filled with snowboarding, and I will ALWAYS have a passion for the sport that reconnected me to my inner athlete.

Getting Back Into 'Formal' Exercise

Josh and I got married, and together we lived a pretty active lifestyle through our different hobbies and interests, but I still didn't have much desire to do any kind of formal exercise. It scared me. I didn't want anything to get in the way of my recovery. Every now and again I would go to the gym, but there were always so many triggers. Doing exercise videos at home brought back bad memories and I couldn't enjoy it. At the time, I didn't really know how to come up with my own exercises, so formal exercise was not a very big part of my life over the next few years. That was until the birth of my first child, Jaxon, in 2005. I fell into a deep postpartum depression, Josh was working and going to school, Jaxon was extremely colicky, I was adjustinging to being home full time, and I was unable to go out and do the things that normally had kept me active. I knew I needed to do something to nurture myself during this difficult time. I decided to buy a gym pass, which included daycare for Jaxon. I started going to the morning workout classes 5 days a week. Before my very first time going, I gave myself a pep talk that I would not go to these classes to lose weight or change my body, I would only go to these classes to take care of my body and mind. This would be my ONLY motivation for exercising. I knew I would be surrounded by women, with different motives and I prepared myself for that. As I started going, I realized how much progress I had actually made in disconnecting exercise from weight loss. The women's comments had very little effect on me. There was one instructor that was very extreme in the way she tried to motivate the class to lose weight and diet. My answer to not being effected by her comments, was to simply tune them out. Sometimes I would repeat positive affirmations in my head, until the class was over. It felt SO GOOD to be moving again, and to see the progress in my fitness levels. I felt the powerful effect this ritual of daily exercise had on my mental health. Kickboxing was my most favorite class of all. I could go in their and beat the crap out of the kickboxing bag, and release all the stress and frustration that was pent up inside. During the weight lifting classes, I remember doing weighted squats and just thinking about how easy snowboarding through the powder would be with my tougher legs. This one hour of physical activity at the gym, was my time and I looked forward to it everyday. 

Exercise Now

I continued working out at the gym for almost 7 years. It was only about a year and a half ago that I transitioned to working out at my own home. I was worried at first about doing my own thing, and not having an instructor there to tell me what to do. I was also worried about it not being able to be my own time anymore, since I wouldn't have the daycare for my kids. It all worked out though. I guess when exercise has become something you love, you find a way to make it work. I get up and do my workouts at 6 a.m. and have actually become a morning person (this is a miracle for me, believe me). My two older kids are usually awake at 6:00 or 6:30, but they either watch a movie, play upstairs by themselves, or come and join me (which is absolutely adorable when they do). I started out doing CrossFit workouts from their website, and eventually decided to design my own workouts from what I had learned. Working out is what gets me up and going every morning. It gives me energy to tackle my role as a mom. I continue to keep my focus on nurturing myself and fitness and OFF my appearance. I have reached a level of strength and endurance that I would have never thought possible for me. I exercise for no other reason than it is fun and it makes me feel good.  And now, we have come full circle.

Love Your Tree...Some Thoughts on Body Image

"...if we developed eyes, and we developed the spirit to see beauty in a different way, you would see every woman as beautiful" 

 -Eve Ensler

This short video (just over 1 minute long) sums up much of my own thoughts on how I wish all women could see their own bodies.

How many women in your own life "love their tree"? I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess that most people's answer to this question would be: very few or none at all. In my opinion, this body-hating phenomenon is an extremely destructive epidemic in our country. Here are just a few sobering statistics about body image in America:

• 42% of first- to third-grade girls want to lose weight (Ross 2012)
• 80% of women and 92% of adolescent girls in the U.S. are dissatisfied with their appearance (Ross 2012)
• 35% of girls ages 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet (Ross 2012)
• 50% to 70% of normal-weight girls think they are overweight (Ross 2012)
• Young girls are more afraid of becoming overweight than they are of nuclear war, cancer, or losing their  parents (Armstrong 2012).
• Girls’ self-esteem peaks when they are 9 years old. (Armstrong 2012)
• 80% of children who are 10 years old are afraid of being overweight (Armstong 2012)

One purpose of this blog is to explore and make others aware of the 'why' behind these types of statistics. But, I'm not going to talk about those things today. No, today I'm going to ask you to think about your own "tree." I want everyone reading this blog to think about what they do love about their bodies. I don't want you to think about what others love about your body or how well your body does or doesn't measure up to society's beauty standards. Instead, think about what you and only you love about your body.

What I love about my own "tree"

I love my deep blue eyes, for they are my dad's eyes, my grandpa's eyes and now my own children's eyes. I love my nose, because it is the nose of my beautiful mother. I love my stomach, covered in stretchmarks, because it reminds me that I am a mother-a mother who carried a growing human being inside of her body three separate times. I love my long toes, for they remind me of the jokes my friends and family used to make about me possessing 'monkey toes.' I love my muscles, because they remind me of my strength, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I love my scars because each has a story. I love the freckles that cover my shoulders, because they speak of all the wonderful days spent under the sun. I love the vein that runs down the center of my forehead, because it protrudes any time I truly laugh. I love the fine lines that are forming around my eyes, because they are evidence of all the smiles and joy in my life. I love the enormous capacity my body holds to heal itself, despite all the abuse I have unleashed upon it. I love my legs, because they enable me to dance, snowboard, run, hike, and explore. I love my long, elegant neck. I love my hips, which are wide enough that they made childbirth fairly easy for me. I love my little ears, because they will always remind me of my own dad. Most of all, I love my body because it is God's creation and all of his creations are BEAUTIFUL. 

Sources

Armstrong, S. (2012). Statistics on Body Image, Self Esteem & Parental Influence. Heart of Leadership. Retrieved from: http://heartofleadership.com/statistics-on-body-image-self-esteem-parental-influence/

Ross, C. (2012). Why Do Women Hate Their Bodies?. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 31, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/02/why-do-women-hate-their-bodies/