Recovery

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

-Japanese Proverb

This blog post is vulnerable. This blog post is scary. This blog post is necessary............

I, Alicia Brown, am in recovery from a severe eating disorder and I am struggling. I have been struggling for weeks. The thing you must understand about my eating disorder is that it morphs and changes over time. It is as if it takes on a life of its own, and when I feel I have one aspect of it completely beaten, that aspect will change into something else entirely. I have had some major stressors this past month, which triggered some different aspects of my eating disorder. Even with 13 years of recovery under my belt, I am still at risk of relapse. Today, I am stating publicly that I refuse to relapse. I refuse to let the eating disorder win. I have been at rock bottom once, and I will never be there again. 

One promise I made to myself while in treatment was that I would never lie about my eating disorder ever again, and I have kept that promise. It is this promise that has saved me from relapse many times, and it is what is saving me now. There are some wonderful people in my life who have been there for me the last few weeks (you know who you are), and who I have been able to openly share my struggles with. Although, I have taken the steps of talking to others, returning to therapy, & returning to Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings, I still feel that I have one foot in the door of recovery and one foot in my eating disorder. My eating disorder is like a very seductive, old friend. It will tell me, "You can just do this for a little while. It will help you cope with these hard things in your life. Then you can just get back on track." Like I've said on my blog before, I do see my eating disorder as a separate entity from myself, and something that continually lies to and deceives me. Remember  THIS VIDEO I posted a while back? It is such a powerful representation of what it is truly like to battle an eating disorder. 

With this blog post I am publicly stating my commitment to my recovery. I am committing to (as an amazing friend stated to me today) "get both of my feet through the door of recovery." Staying in recovery is more important to me than appearing perfect to those around me. Secrecy and shame fuel an eating disorder like nothing else can. So, today I am choosing to drowned out that secrecy and shame by admitting, very publicly, that I am struggling. It would have been nice to paint myself on this blog as some invincible, fully recovered person who no longer struggles, but that wouldn't be real and that wouldn't help anyone   including myself. The fact that I struggle does not negate all that I have accomplished in recovery, and all that I have learned. I have worried that stating my current struggles on my blog would lead others to assume that I don't believe all the things I have written, that I am a hypocrite. I can assure you that everything on this blog has come straight from my heart, and I believe every word. I hope you can see my sincerity in that. I hope you can see my sincere efforts to stay on the path of recovery, and "practice what I preach." 

I love all who come to my blog and support my efforts. I love friends and family who see me for who I am and not what I struggle with. I love my Savior, who picks me up no matter how many times I fall. I love my children, who deserve a mother who never gives up this battle. There is gratitude in my heart today for all this love in my life. I am not giving up and I am not giving in. That is my promise today.

I have never been so scared to press publish before. "Feel the fear and do it anyway," right?