Let me start from the beginning....there is a lot of Cancer in my family, a lot. My grandmother died of metastatic breast cancer while my mother was still a young child. Of the 7 girls in my grandmother's family, 6 had breast cancer. All four of her brothers had some form of cancer as well. I know at least one had colon cancer, but the rest I do not know the type. When I was sixteen my mom's sister died of ovarian cancer and just over two years ago my mom's other sister died of metastatic breast cancer. Another of my mom's sisters had a form of pre-breast cancer for which she had a double mastectomy to prevent falling into the same fate as that of her mother, my grandmother. I have very little information on extended family, but I do know one of my mom's cousins died at age 33 of breast cancer and another cousin has battled breast cancer several times, even after having a mastectomy.
Cancer, unfortunately, has become somewhat of a family legacy. For many years, our family has been a part of the University of Utah's hereditary cancer studies. We have lost far too many beautiful and courageous women to breast and ovarian cancer. I had the great privilege of knowing my two aunts who lost the battle, and although I never knew my grandmother I sometimes like to think of her as my guardian angel on the other side. Everything I have learned about her and the suffering she endured has led me to have great admiration and love for my mom's mom.
I have felt especially close and bonded with these women over the last few months. I like to think that they have been there for me, helping me along and guiding me through the craziness of what I just discovered. You see, in early December I submitted my DNA to Myriad Genetics to get tested for the BRCA2 gene mutation, which stands for BReast CAncer. My results came back in mid-January and they were Positive. I have known for almost three years that this mutation was in my family, and I had always known that I would get tested for it eventually. Shortly after giving birth to my 3rd child, I actually did submit my DNA on the advice of my doctor, but when they called me to authorize it I told them not to run it. I think I knew deep down that I carried the mutation and I wasn't ready to deal with it at that time. I made the decision to get tested by age 40. That was my plan.
But, as with many things in life, Heavenly Father usually has a different plan than we do. The urgency to get tested hit me in early October. I hadn't even thought about the test in a long time, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to do it, and do it right away. After earnestly praying about it, several things happened in the following days that left me without a doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father wanted me to do this. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is to trust him
So, you are all probably wondering "what does this mutation even mean?" Well, the BRCA2 is a gene that we all carry. It's main function is to repair damaged cells and suppress tumors. The mutation I carry is deleterious, meaning part of the genetic code is missing. My BRCA2 gene doesn't do what it is supposed to do, and it leaves me highly susceptible to different forms of cancer. Although I am more susceptible to many forms, the most prevalent forms are breast and ovarian cancer. With this mutation, and my family history, my lifetime risk of breast cancer is almost 90% and my risk for ovarian cancer is just under 50%. It is not really a matter of IF I will get cancer, but a matter of WHEN I will get cancer. It is like having a ticking time bomb inside your body, that you have no idea how much time is left on the clock. It could be 20 years or 20 months. I do not have the luxury of knowing how much time is on that clock. If I did it would have made my decisions much easier. What I do have is a loving Father in Heaven who has made it very clear what he wants me to do, and that is to defuse the time bomb
To say the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster, would be the understatement of the century. Researching the BRCA2 mutation and all of my options has consumed most of my time. I have neglected many things in my life, with this blog being one of them. Originally I thought I would never write about my mutation and my planned surgeries. I have felt very vulnerable and alone at times. I have felt that others wouldn't understand my choices. I needed time, time to process the news and time to come to terms with it. I needed to be in-tune with what my Heavenly Father wanted for me, without worrying about the judgement of those around me. I needed time to grieve in my own way. But, I know now it is time to share my story with others, to let people in. I have also realized that all that I have learned in recovery has prepared me to cope with my upcoming surgeries, and the changes that will happen to my body. I have pondered that a lot the last few days. I have learned over the years to define my worth separately from my body, and that has definitely prepared me to lose the part of my body (my breasts) that is so often a symbol of femininity and female beauty and worth. It has also brought me to a place of enormous gratitude for my natural breasts. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to feed and nourish my 3 beautiful children. Losing my breasts will not take away those memories, nor the bond that occurred with my children during that time. My children and my husband have been at the forefront of my mind through this whole process. Having real breasts, or my ovaries means nothing if I am not around to watch my kids graduate from high school or get married or have their own children. Being here for my family is what matters most. I am a strong woman, making a strong decision and that right there is more beautiful and more feminine than a perfect pair of breasts will ever be.
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