Numbness: I don't think I ever really thought about this aspect of a mastectomy until I started researching the procedure myself. When the breast tissue is cut out, and the nipple is cored out, the nerves are all cut. This leaves the area numb for the rest of a woman's life. Some women regain some feeling in certain parts of the breast, but no one regains any type of sensual feeling. That will be forever gone for me. I don't want to go into detail on a public blog about what losing that type of sensation will mean for me in my intimate life. All I want to say about it is that it sucks and I'm sad and I'm scared. What I did want to talk about were the other aspects of the numbness that occurs.
Let me first tell you something about me....when I get a cavity filled at the dentist, I do not let them numb me. I would much rather feel pain for 20 minutes, than have my mouth numb all day. This is how much I hate that 'numb' feeling. After my surgery, I am going to have to deal with my entire chest being numb FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. At this time I can't even fully comprehend what that will be like. This scares me more than any other part of my mastectomy. Have you ever heard of someone that loses a limb having phantom pains and itches? Well the same thing can happen with losing your breasts. I've heard many women complain of having 'boob itch' that they can't scratch. My hope is that I will be able to adjust to the numbness and get used to it, otherwise I might just go insane. The numbness also scares me, in that, I worry hugs will never feel the same again. I am a such hugger, so that fear is very real for me.
Appearance: I want to start this section off by making it clear that having a mastectomy with breast reconstruction is nothing like having a breast augmentation. I have had women online tell me how hurtful it is when someone compares what they have gone through to a breast augmentation. Although there are wonderful surgeons out there and new advances in breast reconstruction, my breasts will never look like my natural breasts, nor will they look like augmented breasts. They will be something completely different. This is because all that is left after my mastectomy is a thin layer of skin. My surgeon will have to completely reconstruct my breasts, even recreating the breast folds. I will not have any breast tissue or fat surrounding the implants after they are placed. If the implants are showing lots of rippling after my final surgery, it is possible for my surgeon to do a fat grafting procedure, where he would liposuction fat from other parts of my body and put that fat into my breasts. This can help smooth out the appearance of the implants.
In my research, I have viewed countless photos of reconstructed breasts. It has helped me to, hopefully, have a realistic idea of what my reconstructed breasts will look like. I am very confident that I have found one of the best breast reconstruction surgeons in the area, and I have seen photos of some of his patients. He does amazing work, but what I love most about this doctor is his honesty and openness with me. I had my final appointment with him Friday, and he very gently and kindly spoke with me about having realistic expectations of my reconstructed breasts. I am an optimist by nature and I am hopeful for a good cosmetic outcome, but I am also preparing myself for the possible deformities my breasts could have. I know that accepting my new breasts will be a process, but in the end, what they look like does not matter. Being here for my family does.
Pectoralis Muscles: After my mastectomy, my pectoralis muscles will be at 50% of the strength they are at now. It will be a long, hard road to gaining my strength back; but my surgeon is confident that I will be able to get back to my same level of fitness and strength again. He has performed breast reconstruction on other athletic women, who have been able to return to the same activities they did before surgery. He told me that the biggest complaint, from women who exercise, is that they can feel the expander/implant moving around under the pectoralis muscle when it is engaged. The feeling can be rather annoying, but most women do get used to it after a while. Physical activity is extremely important to me, so the thought of having my pectoralis muscles cut is quite terrifying, even with all of my surgeon's reassurances. I know that it will take a lot of patience as I try to strengthen those muscles again. My hope is to be able to run another Spartan Beast next summer.
A Long and Painful Recovery: The estimated recovery for my mastectomy is 6 weeks. After talking to other women, and watching my own mother endure it, I am anticipating that the first 2 to 3 weeks will be pure hell. The way the pain has been described to me is that it is like having an elephant sit on your chest. Sounds so fun, right? I will also have four surgical drains that are inserted through the sides of my breasts and then hang down. They will drain fluid and blood form the surgical site. They are usually removed by 2 weeks after the surgery, but the time can vary. They can only be removed when the output from them is low enough. Here is a picture demonstrating these 'fun' drains:
I will probably be sleeping propped-up, on my back for quite some time after surgery. I'm a stomach sleeper, so that's going to be a huge adjustment. I have a recliner that I plan on sleeping in during my recovery. Of everything my recovery entails, my biggest fear is actually not all of the physical pain, but my inability to do normal things. I will not even be able to lift my arms above shoulder height for two weeks. Being the independent and active person I am, I anticipate that this will be extremely hard on me. A big part of coping with my clinical depression is staying busy and staying active. Not being able to get out and do things can cause me to spiral into depression rather quickly. Even when I just get sick for a few days, it's enough to throw me into a deep depression. I'm not sure what being down this long could possibly do to me emotionally. We are trying to put a plan in place to make sure that I can stay busy in the ways that are possible, and that I get plenty of social interaction throughout my recovery. I know these things will be so crucial to getting through it.
Emotional Loss: As my surgery is getting so close, I find myself touching my boobs A LOT. Sorry, if stating that makes anyone uncomfortable! It's not some sexual thing, I can assure you, but more like I'm saying goodbye to them, like I'm giving them a hug and saying 'thank you.' If you think about it, a woman's breasts are a big part of her life, and losing them brings on a real sense of loss and mourning. I have been thinking about being a teenager and going through puberty and being so excited that my body was changing in that way. I was becoming a woman. My breasts have gone through a lot of changes throughout my life, and I haven't always been happy with them the way that I now wish I would have. They do not define me, but they are a part of me, and losing that part of me will not be easy. These breasts fed my three beautiful children. Those are moments that I will cherish forever. I am grateful that I had the opportunity and ability to do that, and that this surgery is taking place after I had already decided that I was done having children. Not all women have that same opportunity before undergoing a mastectomy. I consider myself very lucky.
Conclusion: This has been one of the hardest posts I've written on my blog. I am one week and one day away from surgery and I am, quite honestly, terrified. There are no doubts in my mind that I am doing what needs to be done that I am following through with what my Heavenly Father wants me to do, but it is not easy. There will be a lot of tears shed, and hard days, but I do know that I will get through it. My Savior will carry me. I also like to believe that my Aunt Barbara, my Aunt Jean, and my Grandma Marie will be my guardian angels through my surgeries. These beautiful women lost their lives to something I now have the ability to prevent in my own life. What a miracle that is, what a gift I have been given. Beyond all the fear and sadness, there is still gratitude in my heart. Thank you all for taking the time to read and understand what I am facing. It means the world to me. I send my love to all of you.
