Painful Regrets and Moving Forward

I'm switching gears just a little bit today on my blog. The following post is more for me than anyone else. I hadn't even considered writing about this part of my life until just a few days ago. There has been an ever-present, nagging feeling since the thought came to me. My hope is that writing this out for others to see, will bring healing in my own life.

I've spent the greater part of the last year running and hiding. I thought that if I could just keep myself busy enough, maybe I would never have to truly face what was chasing me. The thing about running is that you eventually tire out, and when you do you must turn around and face what is behind you. In July of 2012 my family experienced an enormous and life altering tragedy. Our dear Brittany left us way before her time, and in very tragic circumstances. When talking about loved ones, I often hear sentiments like this, "tell the people in your life you love them, because it may be your last chance." I'm not going to say that this quote isn't good advice...it is. But, over the course of this past year, quotes like this one have haunted me. You see, I was very angry with Brittany in the weeks leading up to her death. I can't count how many times I have replayed in my mind the last time I saw her, which was exactly one week before she passed. Every time I do, my thoughts turn to a never ending series of what if's:

What if I had just talked to her, instead of avoiding her in my anger?

What if I had put my arms around her and expressed my love for her?

What if I had placed my hands upon her cheeks, looked into those sky blue eyes and said, "Brittany there is hope, there is always hope and you are worth it"?

What if I had told her that I knew she was strong enough?

What if I had told her that she would always be my sister, no matter what?

What if? What if? What if?

The what if's are enough to make a person lose their mind. When I found out she was gone, the anger dissolved instantly and was replaced with pain, helplessness, and overwhelming guilt. I suspected that maybe the anger would return as I went through the grieving process, but it never did. Maybe it was because I knew, to a certain extent, where Brittany's thoughts were before she died. There is no way for me to know all that she had been thinking, but I have been in a place of complete and utter hopelessness more than once in my life. I know the irrational thinking that takes place in that dark space. I know with 100% certainty that Brittany was not in her right mind. There is no anger in me, only HEAVY guilt that I have carried for far too long. That is the purpose of this post today... I know that I can carry it no longer, lest my knees buckle and my back break. Today, I commit to handing it over to him, he who can carry it. For, his "yoke is easy and his burden light." I know he wants me to let go. I know Brittany would not want me to carry on the way I have been. It is time to move forward. I know it is time. I choose now to honor Brittany's life, instead of feel guilt over her death. I will spend the rest of my life loving her precious boys, and remembering Brittany for who she is, not how she died.

Now, back to the quote I mentioned earlier about last chances. The truth is, I know that the last time I saw Brittany on this Earth was not my last chance. Death can feel so final, but it is not. I know Brittany lives on, and I know that she has heard me the many times I have cried out to her. I know that I WILL have my chance to give her that hug and look into those sky blue eyes again. It is NEVER too late to make things right. And, although it is a noble goal to strive to ALWAYS show your love to the people you care about, it is also important to realize that we are only human, and in so being, are susceptible to human emotions like anger. I thank you Brittany for all you have taught me. I love you always- you sassy, beautiful girl.