Love Your Tree...Some Thoughts on Body Image

"...if we developed eyes, and we developed the spirit to see beauty in a different way, you would see every woman as beautiful" 

 -Eve Ensler

This short video (just over 1 minute long) sums up much of my own thoughts on how I wish all women could see their own bodies.

How many women in your own life "love their tree"? I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess that most people's answer to this question would be: very few or none at all. In my opinion, this body-hating phenomenon is an extremely destructive epidemic in our country. Here are just a few sobering statistics about body image in America:

• 42% of first- to third-grade girls want to lose weight (Ross 2012)
• 80% of women and 92% of adolescent girls in the U.S. are dissatisfied with their appearance (Ross 2012)
• 35% of girls ages 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet (Ross 2012)
• 50% to 70% of normal-weight girls think they are overweight (Ross 2012)
• Young girls are more afraid of becoming overweight than they are of nuclear war, cancer, or losing their  parents (Armstrong 2012).
• Girls’ self-esteem peaks when they are 9 years old. (Armstrong 2012)
• 80% of children who are 10 years old are afraid of being overweight (Armstong 2012)

One purpose of this blog is to explore and make others aware of the 'why' behind these types of statistics. But, I'm not going to talk about those things today. No, today I'm going to ask you to think about your own "tree." I want everyone reading this blog to think about what they do love about their bodies. I don't want you to think about what others love about your body or how well your body does or doesn't measure up to society's beauty standards. Instead, think about what you and only you love about your body.

What I love about my own "tree"

I love my deep blue eyes, for they are my dad's eyes, my grandpa's eyes and now my own children's eyes. I love my nose, because it is the nose of my beautiful mother. I love my stomach, covered in stretchmarks, because it reminds me that I am a mother-a mother who carried a growing human being inside of her body three separate times. I love my long toes, for they remind me of the jokes my friends and family used to make about me possessing 'monkey toes.' I love my muscles, because they remind me of my strength, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I love my scars because each has a story. I love the freckles that cover my shoulders, because they speak of all the wonderful days spent under the sun. I love the vein that runs down the center of my forehead, because it protrudes any time I truly laugh. I love the fine lines that are forming around my eyes, because they are evidence of all the smiles and joy in my life. I love the enormous capacity my body holds to heal itself, despite all the abuse I have unleashed upon it. I love my legs, because they enable me to dance, snowboard, run, hike, and explore. I love my long, elegant neck. I love my hips, which are wide enough that they made childbirth fairly easy for me. I love my little ears, because they will always remind me of my own dad. Most of all, I love my body because it is God's creation and all of his creations are BEAUTIFUL. 

Sources

Armstrong, S. (2012). Statistics on Body Image, Self Esteem & Parental Influence. Heart of Leadership. Retrieved from: http://heartofleadership.com/statistics-on-body-image-self-esteem-parental-influence/

Ross, C. (2012). Why Do Women Hate Their Bodies?. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 31, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/02/why-do-women-hate-their-bodies/

Why I Don't Diet: An Intro to Intuitive Eating

"Dieting will not make you thin, and being thin will not make you happy."

For me, going on a diet would be taking that first step onto the slippery slope of my eating disorder. Although this is the MAIN reason I don't diet, it is definitely not the ONLY reason. The concepts of intuitive eating were intertwined with almost everything we did at the Center For Change. The more I learned, the more my excitement grew as I imagined a life in which I wasn't a prisoner to food. The program we were taught was taken from a book appropriately named, Intuitive Eating, and was written by two registered dietitians (Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch). It is based on 10 different principles, with the very first being:

 1. Reject Diet Mentality

To reject diet mentality means to make a commitment to never diet again and to let go of all hopes that dieting will help you.When I say "diet" I mean it in every sense of the word. Ever since going to treatment for an eating disorder, I have not gone on any kind of diet. I also do not count calories, fat grams, carbs, etc. I do not restrict or deprive myself in any form, and there isn't a food in the world that I tell myself I can't have. I have also spent YEARS learning to disconnect any feelings of guilt from the act of eating.

The following are all the reasons I don't diet, and never will again:

Diets don't keep their promises

What does every diet seem to promise you? It promises that you will be thin and beautiful. Not only that, it promises you happiness and self esteem. A simple phrase that I repeat in my head any time I am tempted to diet is, "dieting will not make you thin, and being thin will not make you happy." As for the diet industry's promise that dieting will make you thin, I will let the statistics speak for themselves: 

• 95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight within 5 years (Renfrew 2003)
• Up to two-thirds of people on diets regain more weight than they lost within 4 or 5 years (UCLA 2007).
• According to the co-author of one of the most comprehensive studies on dieting ever conducted, "...dieting is actually a consistent predictor of future weight gain" (UCLA 2007).
• According to research conducted on kids ages 9-14, "...dieting to control weight is not only ineffective, it may actually promote weight gain" (Resch, Tribole 2012).
• A study conducted on 2,000 sets of twins, showed that "...dieting itself, independent of genetics, is significantly associated with accelerated weight gain and increased risk of becoming overweight." (Resch, Tribole 2012)

Now, as for thinness as a means to happiness- I can wholeheartedly and unflinchingly state that this is a bald faced lie. This is a lie that I bought into as a young, depressed, lost, naive, teenage girl. I thought there was some magic number on the scale that would automatically make all my problems go away. The truth was that no matter how low that number got, it never made me happy. Sure there was a temporary 'high' from losing weight, and compliments from others gave me a  'boost,' but this false sense of happiness and self esteem was always so fleeting. Soon the excited, happy feelings would be gone and I would be left wanting. This would eventually lead me to set a new goal for the scale, and so goes the cycle of an eating disorder.

Dieting causes damage to your body

Dieting causes a decrease in metabolism and an increase in binges and cravings. That right there explains many of the statistics listed above. According to a 32 year heart study, yo-yo dieters have "twice the normal risk of dying from heart disease." (Resch, Tribole 2012). It's also interesting that the risk factors held true for yo-yo dieters, regardless of their weight (Resch, Tribole 2012). Dieting can also change your body shape. Yo-yo dieters often regain their weight back in the abdominal area, which  increases risk of heart disease as well (Resch, Tribole 2012). 

Dieting causes damage psychologically and emotionally

My eating disorder started 'innocently' enough with my first diet. Little did I know what I was embarking on when it began. Not everyone that diets will develop an eating disorder, but they are 8 times more likely to than non-dieters (Resch, Tribole 2012). Dieting has also been shown to lower self esteem and create feelings of failure (Resch, Tribole 2012). With a success rate of 5%, who isn't going to feel like a failure? I know for me, every time I broke a diet rule or binged, I felt like something was wrong with me. I never stopped to consider that the problem might not be me, but the diet itself. Dieting only added to my already low self-esteem. 

Some final thoughts....

The decision I made 12 years ago to never diet again, and to put trust in this thing called "Intuitive Eating," has changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. Intuitive eating is not a quick fix, but a process. It is a concept that I am still learning and growing in to this day. I hope that I can accurately portray my own personal journey through the intuitive eating process, and in so doing, help others that may be struggling with food issues of any type. This post is only a small glimpse into the process. I intend to use this blog to explore all the principles of intuitive eating, and my experiences with those principles.

Sources

Resch, E. & Tribole, E. 2012. Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works. St. Martins Press: New York, NY. 

The Renfrew Center Foundation for Eating Disorders. 2003. Eating Disorders 101 Guide: A Summary of  Issues, Statistics and Resources.

University of California- Los Angeles. 2007. Dieting Does Not Work. Research Report. Science Daily  Retrieved from: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/04/070404162428.htm

A Deeply Personal Post: The Day I Realized God Loved Me

There were many epiphanies and awakenings while I was in treatment for my eating disorder, but none were more important to my recovery than what I am about to share. 

About 3 weeks into my stay at the Center for Change, I left one evening for a 'pass.' Passes were a way for us to start  practicing the things we were learning in treatment, and to see how well we could do on our own. On this pass I made, what was to me, a huge mistake. There is no need for me to share the details of this mistake, just that it left me devastated and ashamed. Upon returning back to my treatment 'home' I did not talk about my pass with anyone. Soon it was off to bed, and we all retreated to our rooms. I kept up the facade of everything being fine until my roommate fell asleep. It was at that moment, laying in bed all alone, that the gravity of my feelings hit me. All the progress I had made up to that point felt lost. Hope was gone. Shame consumed me. There had been many dark moments in my life, but this was the darkest. The Center for Change took every precaution to prevent patients from hurting themselves. Very few items were allowed in our rooms, and care techs checked on us every hour throughout the night. My thoughts turned to scheming a way around these safeguards. I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I didn't want to just die, I wished for my very body and spirit to not exist anymore. If there had been a means to do it, my life would have ended that night.  

The last thing I wanted to do in those tortuous moments was talk to God. I believed I was not worthy of his help, his love, or his comfort. My shame made me fear facing him, but there was something inside of me that KNEW I must talk to him. After spending hours wallowing in the darkest recesses of my soul, I finally mustered up the courage to roll over on my stomach, bow my head, and clasp my hands together. My head drooped in shame as I muttered one of the simplest prayers I have ever said in my life, "Dear Lord, please help me. Please, please help me." The words had barely left my mouth, when I felt the tender embrace of my Savior. I had expected to feel more shame when I prayed, but instead I felt the pure and infinite love of God himself. The anguish in my heart was replaced with hope.  He was there for me, and I knew it. He loved me in my broken state. He loved me despite the many mistakes I had made and he would continue loving me as I made mistakes in the future. Up to this point in my life I had believed I was too broken to be truly loved by God. I had thought that he would only love me once I perfected myself enough. It was as if I believed there was some check list I must mark off and then I would be truly worthy of his love. This simple prayer, in my darkest hours, changed EVERYTHING. 

I didn't have all my beliefs figured out at this point, but I KNEW with everything in my soul that I had a Savior. I knew that the Atonement was absolutely a real, tangible gift that he had given me. I knew he had felt all the anguish that I had ever experienced and that he had been there with me through ALL of it. I knew I had a partner and I knew he would never leave me. I knew that his love for me was not dependent on anything other than that I was his creation. Nothing could change that. I knew that the Lord does not work in shame, but in hope. I knew that I would never be perfect, and that the Lord intended it that way--for if perfection were possible I would have no need of a Savior. I did need him. I needed him desperately. I will always need him, every day of my life. Everything I am, I owe to him. I see him, as he is, in all his glory. I see that he, God himself, trembled in pain and agony for my sins. I love him, oh how I love him. He is my rock, my guardian, my protector. And, on that fateful day when I am called home I will kneel at his feet in awe and gratitude of all that he is and all that he has done for me. 

Stepping Out of the Treatment Bubble

OVERWHELMED... that word doesn't even begin to describe how I felt leaving treatment and returning to my old life. I had naively thought that the only thing that would actually change would be my eating disorder. These experts were going to cure me and then my life would go on the way it always had. This thinking could not have been more WRONG. The broken girl who had walked through those treatment doors two months earlier was gone. She had changed to her very core and knew that reverting back to her old way of life would inevitably lead her back to an eating disorder. What do you do when you have become a completely new person, but no one around you has changed? What do you do when you reunite with family and friends and they expect the same person to come back into their lives? I didn't know. I had no answers. I was terrified. All I knew is that I was committed to my recovery and I would do whatever it took to stay healthy.

In the days before leaving the Center for Change, I had written an extensive relapse prevention plan. All throughout treatment, we had been taught what to do when we have a lapse. For anyone not familiar with this term, a 'lapse' is more like a temporary set back rather than a full return to your addiction. It was almost expected that everyone leaving treatment would eventually have a lapse or even several lapses, but that did not mean they had to RE-lapse. Being taught this concept has been absolutely ESSENTIAL to my recovery. Before treatment, I had constantly tried to stop my eating disorder behaviors. Often times I did stop them, for a short time, but the moment I made a mistake I would be right back in the thick of it. One major element of my relapse prevention plan was to never hide my eating disorder behaviors EVER AGAIN. The promise was that if I had a lapse I would tell someone within 24 hours. This promise has never been broken, and it has saved me many times.

I also spent a considerable amount of time writing out all of my 'triggers.' These were things that brought on huge temptations to act out in my eating disorder. I was supposed to find ways to avoid triggers as much as possible, and also to deal with the ones I could not avoid. With all this preparation, I really did think I was ready to take on the world. I had no idea how sensitive I would actually end up being to my surroundings outside of those treatment walls. The Center for Change had kept me so safe, so protected. Other than a few day passes, I had not been in the outside world for two months. I felt almost alien in the simplest of settings (like a grocery store). There were triggers EVERYWHERE and I truly mean everywhere. No place was safe, not even my church. It felt like all anyone talked about was their body, weight loss, what diet they were on, etc. These were all huge triggers for me and I found myself avoiding women in general. It wasn't their fault, and I had no bad feelings toward any of them, it was just the result of the culture we live in. That was what was so difficult. My mind had been filled with this wealth of knowledge about the problems in our culture, but I did not know how to share it with those around me. I tried to, but not effectively. I was too over zealous about it and people were turned off. This led me to the decision to just be grateful for my own knowledge and my new life, and only talk about these things when someone asked. I felt very alone, and longed to be back in the safe bubble of the treatment center. My outpatient treatment continued for several years, but it was not the same. I remember not wanting to leave my therapist's room when the time was up. Just being inside of that building made me feel safe. I didn't know how to move on with my life.

On top of everything else, I was trying so hard to apply the principles of intuitive eating in my life. I plan to share these principles on my blog in the future, but the basic concept is to rely on the body's intuitive ability to crave what it needs. The book also discusses, at length, the damaging effects of dieting on the body and mind. In the beginning of this process, I found myself bingeing on a regular basis. So many nights I would lay in my bed, holding my bloated stomach, willing myself not to throw up, and just sobbing. It was a painful process, but I always took my thoughts back to my dietitian's promise to me that it would work, that I wouldn't always have this desire to binge, that I could have peace with food, and that my body would stay at a weight that was right for me. I had believed her, trusted her, and that trust has paid off  in ways that I could have never imagined.

In treatment I had truly found myself, but being back in my old life made me feel lost. I constantly felt like I was letting everyone down, that they all had loved the 'old' me and didn't know what to do with this 'new' Alicia. Looking back, I know many of these feelings were in my own head, and that it was me that pushed people away because I was scared. My relationships, with the friends I loved so much, were damaged and it took years to heal them. It took years for me to see that maybe, just maybe, these people would actually accept me just the way I am.

My Safe Haven: The Center for Change

I spent two full months in the inpatient unit at the Center for Change. Two months may not seem like a long time, but when you consider how intensive the inpatient program was and how much I CHANGED, it alters your perception of that time frame. My days were filled with every type of therapy you can imagine. We had individual therapy, group therapy, 12 step group, body image group, art therapy, music therapy, recreational therapy, body movement group, life skills classes, intuitive eating classes, and regular meetings with registered dietitians. On top of that we were given regular reading and writing assignments that forced us to probe deep into our core issues. It was exhausting, not just because of how busy we were, but because of the sheer emotional energy it required. 

The strict rules at the Center for Change made it nearly impossible to practice your eating disorder in any form. You were constantly monitored by care techs who called you out on any eating disorder behaviors. The program centered around reaching different phases. Each time you progressed to a new phase, you were given more freedom and privileges. If I remember right, phase 4 was the highest level you could reach (you got to flush your own toilet in this phase!) You had to prove yourself ready for each phase by presenting to the group why you thought you were ready, and then there would be a group vote.  Meal time was pretty hilarious, because there were so many rules that you couldn't even remember all of them, and the care techs were constantly getting after us. There was one care tech we endearingly referred to as "hawk" because she saw EVERYTHING and didn't let us get away with ANYTHING. We were not even allowed to talk about the food we were eating, so we often played games (like 'would you rather...?') during the entire duration of the meal.

Treatment was HARD, to say the least. I spent countless hours in therapy dealing with all of the issues that I had worked so hard to run from. That's the thing about eating disorders-they mask what the real problem is. You take away that mask, that coping mechanism, and the real problems come to the surface. I had gone from being completely disassociated from my emotions, to facing them constantly. Although treatment was hard and emotionally draining, it was also wonderful and life-changing. The real me started to emerge. The women I was surrounded by became my kindred spirits and angels. I experienced a genuine connection with them that I had never experienced before. They knew my darkest secrets and I knew theirs. We came from all walks of life and ranged in ages from young teenage girls to grandmothers. We had different religions, philosophies, and backgrounds-but none of that mattered. We were sisters. My heart will always be connected to these women, and nothing will ever change that. It was like we were stripped of all the labels the world uses to define people and we saw only the person as they truly were. We understood each other, the way no one else did.

Not only was I deeply connected to the patients there, but I became extremely close with the wonderful staff. When I was a patient, the Center for Change was in its early years. It was much smaller than it is now, with only 16 beds. This enabled me to get to know all the therapists, nurses, care techs, and dietitians on a deeper level. Genuine love and compassion exuded from these individuals and I will be forever grateful to all of them. The Center for Change will always hold a very special place in my heart and it was so incredibly difficult to say goodbye.

What is an Eating Disorder?

I figured that one of my first posts should shed a little light on what eating disorders actually are. I am sure that most people reading my blog have at least some knowledge of eating disorders, and maybe know someone that has suffered from one. My hope is to help you understand what it truly is like to have an eating disorder, and to maybe clear up some common misconceptions. The National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) recognizes 4 types of eating disorders. They are: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder, and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). In the depths of my eating disorder, I suffered from both Anorexia and Bulimia, but identified more as a Bulimic. Early on in my recovery I also struggled with Binge Eating. Therefore, I have had first hand experience with 3 major forms of eating disorders.

Eating Disorders are a Form of Addiction
According to the NEDA website, The following patterns are shared between eating disorder sufferers and other addicts: "loss of control, preoccupation with the abused substance, use of the substance to cope with stress and negative feelings, secrecy about the behavior, and maintenance of the behavior despite negative consequences." Eating disorders also have a relapse rate comparable to other addictive substances, and many eating disorder sufferers struggle with some other form of substance abuse.

There is no doubt that I had a full fledged addiction. I couldn't stop what I was doing, no matter how hard I tried. It progressed to a point where it consumed all my thoughts and it was all I cared about. In the depths of it, I was purging up to 15 times a day. My eating disorder was kept secret from everyone for almost 5 years, until I got so sick that I could not keep up the facade. I had literally destroyed my body and my spirit through my actions. I reached a point of numbness, in which I didn't have to feel anything. Much of my treatment was similar to treatment for substance abuse. The 12 step program, which was initially created for alcoholics, has been a major component of my recovery. I continue to live by the concepts in the 12 steps, and I have to fight the pull of my addiction on a daily basis. I believe in the old adage, "once an addict always an addict." I don't take it to mean that addicts will always be controlled by their drug of choice, but that they will always be susceptible to relapse, and must continue to work their recovery for the rest of their lives.

Eating Disorders Have Added Complexity
Although eating disorders are a form of addiction, they contain added complexities that other forms of addiction don't have. Eating disorder sufferers cannot abstain from their drug of choice (food). Most drug treatment programs focus on abstinence. When in recovery from an eating disorder, you face your drug of choice every single day. You must partake of your drug of choice every single day and not abuse it. This could be likened to asking an alcoholic to still drink, but to do so in moderation.

Another complexity contained in eating disorders is the fact that most sufferers have extremely distorted body image. They see flaws that are not truly there and many have the severe psychological disorder known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD. Society and media also play a huge role in promoting distorted body image. We are fed countless images of 'flawless' digitally enhanced photos every day. I plan to delve very deeply into the topic of body image and the media on my blog in the future.

Eating Disorders Have Nothing to do With Vanity
On the surface, an eating disorder may appear to be all about a person trying to be thin and pretty, but it goes so much deeper than that. This is what my eating disorder was for me:

• It was an escape that I used to numb out the inner turmoil I was feeling
• It was a type of self-punishment for the shame I carried with me
• It was symbolic of my desire to 'disappear'
• It was a slow form of suicide
• It was an attempt to have some control in a world where I felt I had none
• It was a way to hide the horrible person that I thought I was
• It was a shameful secret 'friend' who was always there for me
• It was a form of self medication for depression and anxiety
• It was my addiction and it almost killed me

An Intro to my Blog

How the idea came about... 

The idea for this blog came to me almost 6 years ago, shortly after the birth of my sweet baby girl. I knew as her mother I would have to be a warrior against the damaging effects society has on women. I knew I would need to teach her all that I had learned through recovering from an eating disorder. I knew I would need to be an example to her of a woman that accepts her own body. I knew I would need to teach her to value herself for who she is and to love her body, as she grew up in a society that teaches the exact opposite. All of this weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I felt strongly that I needed to make a record of the lessons I have learned, not only for her but for other women in my life. A blog was obviously the easiest way to do that. It has taken me almost 6 years to actually act on the idea. It is an extremely scary thing for a private person like me to put myself out there in this way. I hope that I can share my messages in an effective and clear manner, and that I can somehow help other women. Most of all, I hope my words can strengthen my daughter and my sons when they are at the appropriate age to read this blog. I love you, my sweet kids.

 A little about me and what I plan to share... 

12 years ago I was admitted to the Center for Change for a life threatening disorder. I would not be living today if I had not been sent to this amazing inpatient treatment center. I will be forever grateful to my parents for getting me this help, to the amazing staff who taught me the tools of recovery, and to the beautiful and amazing women who were in treatment with me. My recovery and treatment were multifaceted, and I hope to show all the same aspects in this blog. Some of the subjects I plan to cover are: intuitive eating, intuitive exercise, body image, distortions in the media, the diet industry, spirituality, self worth, and perfectionism. I will now take a deep breath, let go of my fear, press publish, and finally get this ball rolling.