I spent two full months in the inpatient unit at the Center for Change. Two months may not seem like a long time, but when you consider how intensive the inpatient program was and how much I CHANGED, it alters your perception of that time frame. My days were filled with every type of therapy you can imagine. We had individual therapy, group therapy, 12 step group, body image group, art therapy, music therapy, recreational therapy, body movement group, life skills classes, intuitive eating classes, and regular meetings with registered dietitians. On top of that we were given regular reading and writing assignments that forced us to probe deep into our core issues. It was exhausting, not just because of how busy we were, but because of the sheer emotional energy it required.
The strict rules at the Center for Change made it nearly impossible to practice your eating disorder in any form. You were constantly monitored by care techs who called you out on any eating disorder behaviors. The program centered around reaching different phases. Each time you progressed to a new phase, you were given more freedom and privileges. If I remember right, phase 4 was the highest level you could reach (you got to flush your own toilet in this phase!) You had to prove yourself ready for each phase by presenting to the group why you thought you were ready, and then there would be a group vote. Meal time was pretty hilarious, because there were so many rules that you couldn't even remember all of them, and the care techs were constantly getting after us. There was one care tech we endearingly referred to as "hawk" because she saw EVERYTHING and didn't let us get away with ANYTHING. We were not even allowed to talk about the food we were eating, so we often played games (like 'would you rather...?') during the entire duration of the meal.
Treatment was HARD, to say the least. I spent countless hours in therapy dealing with all of the issues that I had worked so hard to run from. That's the thing about eating disorders-they mask what the real problem is. You take away that mask, that coping mechanism, and the real problems come to the surface. I had gone from being completely disassociated from my emotions, to facing them constantly. Although treatment was hard and emotionally draining, it was also wonderful and life-changing. The real me started to emerge. The women I was surrounded by became my kindred spirits and angels. I experienced a genuine connection with them that I had never experienced before. They knew my darkest secrets and I knew theirs. We came from all walks of life and ranged in ages from young teenage girls to grandmothers. We had different religions, philosophies, and backgrounds-but none of that mattered. We were sisters. My heart will always be connected to these women, and nothing will ever change that. It was like we were stripped of all the labels the world uses to define people and we saw only the person as they truly were. We understood each other, the way no one else did.
Not only was I deeply connected to the patients there, but I became extremely close with the wonderful staff. When I was a patient, the Center for Change was in its early years. It was much smaller than it is now, with only 16 beds. This enabled me to get to know all the therapists, nurses, care techs, and dietitians on a deeper level. Genuine love and compassion exuded from these individuals and I will be forever grateful to all of them. The Center for Change will always hold a very special place in my heart and it was so incredibly difficult to say goodbye.
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