OVERWHELMED... that word doesn't even begin to describe how I felt leaving treatment and returning to my old life. I had naively thought that the only thing that would actually change would be my eating disorder. These experts were going to cure me and then my life would go on the way it always had. This thinking could not have been more WRONG. The broken girl who had walked through those treatment doors two months earlier was gone. She had changed to her very core and knew that reverting back to her old way of life would inevitably lead her back to an eating disorder. What do you do when you have become a completely new person, but no one around you has changed? What do you do when you reunite with family and friends and they expect the same person to come back into their lives? I didn't know. I had no answers. I was terrified. All I knew is that I was committed to my recovery and I would do whatever it took to stay healthy.
In the days before leaving the Center for Change, I had written an extensive relapse prevention plan. All throughout treatment, we had been taught what to do when we have a lapse. For anyone not familiar with this term, a 'lapse' is more like a temporary set back rather than a full return to your addiction. It was almost expected that everyone leaving treatment would eventually have a lapse or even several lapses, but that did not mean they had to RE-lapse. Being taught this concept has been absolutely ESSENTIAL to my recovery. Before treatment, I had constantly tried to stop my eating disorder behaviors. Often times I did stop them, for a short time, but the moment I made a mistake I would be right back in the thick of it. One major element of my relapse prevention plan was to never hide my eating disorder behaviors EVER AGAIN. The promise was that if I had a lapse I would tell someone within 24 hours. This promise has never been broken, and it has saved me many times.
I also spent a considerable amount of time writing out all of my 'triggers.' These were things that brought on huge temptations to act out in my eating disorder. I was supposed to find ways to avoid triggers as much as possible, and also to deal with the ones I could not avoid. With all this preparation, I really did think I was ready to take on the world. I had no idea how sensitive I would actually end up being to my surroundings outside of those treatment walls. The Center for Change had kept me so safe, so protected. Other than a few day passes, I had not been in the outside world for two months. I felt almost alien in the simplest of settings (like a grocery store). There were triggers EVERYWHERE and I truly mean everywhere. No place was safe, not even my church. It felt like all anyone talked about was their body, weight loss, what diet they were on, etc. These were all huge triggers for me and I found myself avoiding women in general. It wasn't their fault, and I had no bad feelings toward any of them, it was just the result of the culture we live in. That was what was so difficult. My mind had been filled with this wealth of knowledge about the problems in our culture, but I did not know how to share it with those around me. I tried to, but not effectively. I was too over zealous about it and people were turned off. This led me to the decision to just be grateful for my own knowledge and my new life, and only talk about these things when someone asked. I felt very alone, and longed to be back in the safe bubble of the treatment center. My outpatient treatment continued for several years, but it was not the same. I remember not wanting to leave my therapist's room when the time was up. Just being inside of that building made me feel safe. I didn't know how to move on with my life.
On top of everything else, I was trying so hard to apply the principles of intuitive eating in my life. I plan to share these principles on my blog in the future, but the basic concept is to rely on the body's intuitive ability to crave what it needs. The book also discusses, at length, the damaging effects of dieting on the body and mind. In the beginning of this process, I found myself bingeing on a regular basis. So many nights I would lay in my bed, holding my bloated stomach, willing myself not to throw up, and just sobbing. It was a painful process, but I always took my thoughts back to my dietitian's promise to me that it would work, that I wouldn't always have this desire to binge, that I could have peace with food, and that my body would stay at a weight that was right for me. I had believed her, trusted her, and that trust has paid off in ways that I could have never imagined.
In treatment I had truly found myself, but being back in my old life made me feel lost. I constantly felt like I was letting everyone down, that they all had loved the 'old' me and didn't know what to do with this 'new' Alicia. Looking back, I know many of these feelings were in my own head, and that it was me that pushed people away because I was scared. My relationships, with the friends I loved so much, were damaged and it took years to heal them. It took years for me to see that maybe, just maybe, these people would actually accept me just the way I am.
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