A Deeply Personal Post: The Day I Realized God Loved Me

There were many epiphanies and awakenings while I was in treatment for my eating disorder, but none were more important to my recovery than what I am about to share. 

About 3 weeks into my stay at the Center for Change, I left one evening for a 'pass.' Passes were a way for us to start  practicing the things we were learning in treatment, and to see how well we could do on our own. On this pass I made, what was to me, a huge mistake. There is no need for me to share the details of this mistake, just that it left me devastated and ashamed. Upon returning back to my treatment 'home' I did not talk about my pass with anyone. Soon it was off to bed, and we all retreated to our rooms. I kept up the facade of everything being fine until my roommate fell asleep. It was at that moment, laying in bed all alone, that the gravity of my feelings hit me. All the progress I had made up to that point felt lost. Hope was gone. Shame consumed me. There had been many dark moments in my life, but this was the darkest. The Center for Change took every precaution to prevent patients from hurting themselves. Very few items were allowed in our rooms, and care techs checked on us every hour throughout the night. My thoughts turned to scheming a way around these safeguards. I wanted nothing more than to disappear. I didn't want to just die, I wished for my very body and spirit to not exist anymore. If there had been a means to do it, my life would have ended that night.  

The last thing I wanted to do in those tortuous moments was talk to God. I believed I was not worthy of his help, his love, or his comfort. My shame made me fear facing him, but there was something inside of me that KNEW I must talk to him. After spending hours wallowing in the darkest recesses of my soul, I finally mustered up the courage to roll over on my stomach, bow my head, and clasp my hands together. My head drooped in shame as I muttered one of the simplest prayers I have ever said in my life, "Dear Lord, please help me. Please, please help me." The words had barely left my mouth, when I felt the tender embrace of my Savior. I had expected to feel more shame when I prayed, but instead I felt the pure and infinite love of God himself. The anguish in my heart was replaced with hope.  He was there for me, and I knew it. He loved me in my broken state. He loved me despite the many mistakes I had made and he would continue loving me as I made mistakes in the future. Up to this point in my life I had believed I was too broken to be truly loved by God. I had thought that he would only love me once I perfected myself enough. It was as if I believed there was some check list I must mark off and then I would be truly worthy of his love. This simple prayer, in my darkest hours, changed EVERYTHING. 

I didn't have all my beliefs figured out at this point, but I KNEW with everything in my soul that I had a Savior. I knew that the Atonement was absolutely a real, tangible gift that he had given me. I knew he had felt all the anguish that I had ever experienced and that he had been there with me through ALL of it. I knew I had a partner and I knew he would never leave me. I knew that his love for me was not dependent on anything other than that I was his creation. Nothing could change that. I knew that the Lord does not work in shame, but in hope. I knew that I would never be perfect, and that the Lord intended it that way--for if perfection were possible I would have no need of a Savior. I did need him. I needed him desperately. I will always need him, every day of my life. Everything I am, I owe to him. I see him, as he is, in all his glory. I see that he, God himself, trembled in pain and agony for my sins. I love him, oh how I love him. He is my rock, my guardian, my protector. And, on that fateful day when I am called home I will kneel at his feet in awe and gratitude of all that he is and all that he has done for me.